I can't believe how long it has been since I have written on here. The last six months have brought a lot of change for our family, most importantly the addition of our sweet little Caroline! She's already 3 months old, and while I could write paragraph upon paragraph about her adorable little smile, her striking blue eyes and auburn hair, and all the new things she is doing these days, I will save that for another post. :)
Today, I am writing as a humbled mama. Lately I have been feeling like I'm falling short as a mom. My patience has nearly run dry and I yell way more than I want to. My Facebook newsfeed seems to be spying on me as many friends have shared blog posts like "10 Things I Learned by not Yelling at My Kids" and other posts urging me to just give in and lay with my almost 3 year old who refuses to stay in bed. Reading these posts has been encouraging... to know I'm not the only one who struggles with my temper or feels like a failure. This posted video had me dissolved in a pool of my own tears one night, praying that my kids would say sweet things about me.
Today was "one of those days". If you are a mother of small children, that phrase requires no explanation. I was overtired from a night spent bouncing and swaying my 3 month old to sleep, my little guy's volume was stuck on high, and my baby girl was cranky and letting me know it. My 4 1/2 year old daughter and I played a game of Uno and tried to start Chutes and Ladders but after a jealous little brother scattered the pieces we put it away. The rest of the morning did not go well, and I dropped my little girl off at preschool at noon. Later that afternoon, I found out that she did not act like her usual happy self at school so I asked her when she got home if she was sad at school. She said "I missed my mommy". I couldn't imagine why she would miss me given my less than stellar performance as a mother that morning. I apologized for being crabby and for raising my voice at her that morning and she looked at me and said, "Mom, you were too busy".
Those five words felt like a knife in my heart. All morning she had been begging to play another game of Uno and I kept promising that I would as soon as (fill in the blank). As soon as I get Caroline to sleep... as soon as you get out of the bath... as soon as I'm done washing the dishes... as soon as I'm done cleaning the kitchen... as soon as I change a load of laundry... as soon as I'm done paying bills... as soon as I'm done feeding Caroline... and then the time ran out.
She wasn't sad about my temper or my raised voice.... she was sad that I didn't stop finding things to keep me busy and didn't just sit down and play cards. I'm sure the day will come all too soon where she doesn't want to play cards with her mom, and I should be taking every opportunity I can to do it now. With a "to-do list" that keeps growing and a holiday calendar that is overflowing with events, I need to remind myself to slow down, let the dishes sit in the sink, and play cards with my little girl.