Tuesday, November 8, 2016

Comic Relief

As a pre-teen in the late 90s, whenever the opportunity presented itself, I would sneak the latest edition of YM magazine from one of my older sisters, run into my room, and open to the "Say Anything" section. In it, teens would retell their most embarrassing stories and I would belly laugh at their misfortune. I don't know what it was about reading of others' most mortifying moments that brought me such joy, maybe I'm a smidge sadistic, I don't know.  

Regardless, today was one of those days that I could've written my own column, and since today also marks the culmination of one of the more tumultuous and divisive presidential elections, I thought you might be in need of some comic relief.

I subbed in the high school today for 10th-12th grade students.  Although I have subbed for the high school a fair amount this year, I still feel a little apprehensive each time I sign up to be the authority figure to this age.  It's as though I am transported back to my high school years and feelings of self-consciousness start to surface and I constantly wonder if the little giggle or hushed whisper is about me.  Well today, there was no "little" or "hushed" and certainly no "wondering".

The day started fine. 
First hour was my prep.

Second hour got a little rowdy, but settled down and was fine.

Third hour was uneventful.

Fourth hour was a split period, meaning they come to class for half an hour, break for lunch, and then return to class for another half hour. 

All was going well and when the bell rang for lunch I locked up and went to the teachers' lounge for lunch. After eating, I ducked into the bathroom for a quick break and as I was standing back up, I felt a wet splash on the back of my legs. I looked behind me to confirm the unfortunate reality that the back of my dress was dripping into the toilet seat it had just dipped into!  McNasty! I stepped out of the private toilet stall and quickly confirmed I was alone before hiking up my dress to try and rinse it out in the sink.  Thankfully the dress was black and the fabric is one that you can't tell if it's wet, but seriously!? As I was patting it dry with the least absorbent paper towels known to man, the bell marking the end of lunch rang. Dang it! I booked it down the hall and thankfully made it to my room before there was a line up in the hall.

Thankfully the remainder of fourth hour was without incident. 

Then came 5th hour.  

Agh... dreaded 5th hour.  

Don't get me wrong. The kids were just fine, as welcoming and kind as you would expect with a substitute teacher.  

One kid in the front was selling chocolate bars for an upcoming school trip to Europe so I pulled a single from my purse and said I would buy one. I handed him the money, reached down to the box of chocolate bars to retrieve one, and unbeknownst to me, my substitute badge caught on the bottom of my dress so that as I straightened upright, the front of my dress was pulled up with it.  I didn't even realize my undies were nearly on display until I was turned back toward my desk, but I'm quite certain the "hushed whispers" were about me and my inadvertent flashing!

Just wait, it gets better. Or in my case, worse... so much worse!

Later this same hour, I had noted some not-so-subtle answer sharing by two boys across the back of the room.  I had observed and commented on it, and they thought it would be funny to put up their hoods so as to hide their faces while they continued to share answers.  I thought I would sneak over and slip into the desk in front of one of the perpetrators in hopes that my presence would dissuade him from continuing to cheat.  I walked along the right side of the row of desks, firmly placed my hands on the desk top and seat back of the desk, and swung my legs to land in a seated position. 

Are you thinking I biffed the landing and fell?

I wish.

Maybe I tipped over the whole desk and landed with my dress up by my shoulders?

I could only have hoped to be that lucky.

No. I didn't fall, or slip, or flash the class for a second time.... 

You know the sound that results from cupping your hand under your armpit and then pumping that arm up and down... 

Well my hands and armpits were both in plain view and that is the sound that coincided with my landing on the chair.  The world's loudest fart noise was somehow created by my legs as I sat down and the entire class stopped, stared, and then burst into uncontrollable laughter!  My face flushed red and I shouted "I swear it wasn't a fart!!" 

The laughter continued.  

"That's what I would say too if I farted!" 

"Oh my gosh, did you hear that!?"

 How do you even defend yourself to a bunch of teenagers when a sound like that just came from you!? 

I briefly considered explaining the science behind an armpit fart, but settled on just moving forward and helping the student focus on his own work. 

Needless to say I spent the final hour of the day firmly planted in my desk!!

I hope sharing my misfortune afforded you the opportunity to belly laugh at my expense and got your mind off this election business, if only for a moment!